Woke up with intense jaw, neck, collar bone, shoulder blade, lower back, and leg pain… Popped a vic and an ibuprofen. It was 7:30 AM.
Fuck my life right now.
I shouldn’t be surprised anymore when I wake up like this.
But I do. I probably always will.
Whether it’s due to stubbornness or hope, I never get used to the waves of pain that crash my body. Never.
It’s 11 am as I write this and I’ve already taken another Vicodin, more ibuprofen, and now I’ve added in a muscle relaxer. Today is my day off and I actually was looking forward to aquatic therapy and then touching up the color in my hair. But instead I’m sitting in bed under my electric blanket feeling depressed over the unfleeting pain. Oh- did I mention I started my period this morning? So there’s that, too.
The part of me that is desperately trying to stay positive is all like –yes, you’re in pain, but you have the entire day off, so relax, drink lots of water, and throw yourself into “The Good Girl” (by Mary Kubica- I’ve already started it and it’s realllllly good). The part of me that can’t help but concentrate on the pain is like “GOD DAMNIT! WHY? The last few days haven’t been so bad! Why am I flaring up like this today? I’m so tired of being tired! Every time I have a fucking day off its like my body knows and pain spreads like a fast acting poison. Screw doing my hair or organizing my closet. Why should I fucking do anything productive when I can lay in bed doing nothing (my mind often thinks of the pain like a villain. As if I can choose to have it in my life).
Although the part of me concentrating on the pain is more active than my positive side, I’m choosing to try to stay positive today. If staying positive today means taking more Vicodin and laying in bed reading, than so be it. I don’t feel like fighting with myself on how I deal with the fibro today. And who knows, maybe if my mind calms down, the pain will too. (There’s that positive side shining through!) if not, at least I got the rant out of my system via WordPress and not out on my kids or hubby. Wink!
*side note- while writing this I took my wedding ring off because my fingers were feeling swollen. After I finished writing I went to put the ring back on and couldn’t find where I had set it down. After shaking out my blankets, I realized I was wearing it. Can anyone say major brain fog!? Sigh.*