Corpse pose

I can’t clearly remember what I posted 7 days ago.

My memory is absent. Frighteningly absent.

I haven’t been able to stand up and do anything for more than 30 minutes since Sunday.
Once those 30 minutes have caught up with my body, my head gets dizzy, my body temperature sky rockets and I feel as if I’m being cooked from the inside. All of my anatomy feels like I’m going to drop to the floor from (what feels like) low blood pressure and extreme exhaustion. The fatigue makes it hard for me to keep my eyes open- even though 99% of the time I’m laying in bed or sleeping.
Weakness soars through my bones alongside aggravating pain. Nausea hits me in waves, non stop. My lower back feels like my kidneys are detaching themselves and I’ve just gone from ten to zero- sitting up writing to slumped over a pile of blankets on the couch seeking relief for my back and suddenly sleepy eyes.
Did I mention I’ve only been awake for 90 minutes?

I’m on a short leave of absence from work. I feel guilty about it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

A million thoughts have planted seeds. A constant stream of whys and how are helping them grow. Every time I blink it feels like my soul is sighing. This isn’t living. This is existing. I want to scream and cry and break things. But I don’t. I can’t. I just don’t have the energy.


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