Why Take Tylenol When I Can Take Vicodin

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken any Vicodin. At my last pain management appointment I simply told the nurse practioner (when she asked if I needed my norco refilled), “if it’s around, I’m going to take it. Why take Tylenol when I can take Vicodin” She looked at me with a surprised face and said “that’s amazing that you acknowledge that.” She went on to tell me how when people are so used to having a pain reliever like Vicodin, that it becomes their crutch. I wanted to say  ‘it’s been my crutch for 2 years. Yeah, I may have developed a tolerance , which is why my 60ct monthly script was gone in about 2 weeks, but it makes me feel better and it gives me energy! You should have seen how clean my house was on refill day!’

But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut.

I was proud of myself. I could have gotten a refill. I chose not to.

That doesn’t mean it’s not on my mind.

Every time I have back pain or cramps or whatever body part that’s sending pain signals, I wish I still had some Vicodin hidden away for “moments like these” (yes, I used to count my pills and put so many in a “in case of emergencies” bottle and hide it. And yes, as soon as the “ok” bottle was gone I found the “emergency” bottle and justified my lame reasons for needing to take them).

I have found myself in the middle of you don’t need that shit and gimme gimme gimme. I understand that drugs change the chemistry in the brain- but when will my brain stop desiring Vicodin? I thought just because I wasn’t being prescribed it and I don’t buy it that once I stopped- once the physical withdrawal was over- that it would all be over. However, I found myself going through my parents meds – sweating with anxiety hoping to find something. I did- and I took 2. I probably would have taken more for later, if I didn’t already have a history of taking my dads vicodin until the bottle was gone- and getting caught.

So when does the desire for this shit go away. Ever?

I was on xanax for 11 years. By the 6th year if I didn’t take one first thing in the morning, I got the shakes. I was taking 3-4 mg a day ( at one point I was taking 3 mg of xanax and 4 mg of klonopin a day- all prescribed) It took months to not physically and mentally need it. As of this day, I no longer crave xanax. I’m sure if I was offered one, I would take it and save it (you know, in case I have a moment that required me to calm the fuck down- “moments like these”). I don’t crave it. But I would still take it.

Does that make me an addict…

The drugs I’ve been addicted to have all been prescribed and I was taking them because I needed them. Or so I thought.

I’m just going to mention that I have never been to rehab. (Although I should have considering I was drinking heavily while taking xanax and Vicodin together, to get as wasted as possible) I’ve been to counseling- and each one didn’t seem to know how the fuck to counsel. Even after my overdose- a student doctor was asking me cold judgmental questions and I wanted to shake him- but that’s another story. When My previous doctor decided that I no longer needed to be on benzos (the overdose) I was pissed. She was cutting me off cold turkey. But there was nothing I could do. Being the pill hoarder that I was, I had 45 xanax in my “in case of emergencies” bottle (I had been collecting benzos from “friends”at bars or getting them from people I worked with). I had to ween myself off. At this point I had quit drinking- which had I not, I would have just replaced the xanax with booze. But since that wasn’t an option, I had to suffer through it. Not fun.

So my question is, when will my desire for Vicodin stop.

Now – the waiting game.

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