There’s nothing I can do 

Those 3 cute little kids in the picture are me and my brothers circa 1987. It was taken on Halloween obviously and I had to be “Jem” (Jem and the Holograms if you aren’t cool enough to know 80’s cartoons), my younger brother was a karate kid (and always had to do something to irritate me), and my youngest brother was dressed as a sailor (he was my little oogie poogie). Throughout our lives my younger always irritated me and my youngest was always on my side.  That’s changed as of late.

My younger brother and I have a normal adult sibling relationship. We get together, go out to dinner, I babysit for him and his wife, (his wife is one of my best friends).  But not my youngest.  I wrote about my youngest brother in a previous post Sibling Rivalry: Morgellons or Meth and now I’m writing again because it’s gotten worse.

My brother has all the signs of long term meth abuse. He is now having violent outbursts with our mother & with the mother of his first two children (he doesn’t speak to me). He has cut himself off from our family entirely. His lies are so absurd. Everyone is against him. His own family is out to get him. He pours borax all over the carpet and furniture in his home to kill the supposed black mold spores and fibers that are making him sick (clearly doesn’t know that borax can cause chemical burns). Pulls out his furniture and shines a flash light on the backs of the furniture and the carpet and sees moving hairs. Him, his wife, and two youngest have migrated into one bedroom because the other rooms are “contaminated”. The house is filthy. 

But now, he has sent our mom a text message saying that he wants to come to my house and strangle me because I have set him up. I am the reason he doesn’t see or talk to his two oldest children (He has not made an effort to call or text them. He has not made an effort to quit drugs- even with children’s services drug testing him). This is the 3rd time he has made threats to hurt me. Me and only me. So now I have to get a protection order in case he does show up and try to go through with his threats. I never- ever thought that I would be getting a protection order on my brother. But I have to. He’s made it very clear to several people that he hates me and wants me dead. 

Here’s the thing. I’m mad at him. I’m angry with him. I want to beat the shit out of him. I want him to get caught with it in his car and get hauled into jail. But I love him. He is my baby brother. And he’s destroying his life. He’s destroying his kids lives. I have stayed away and have not contacted him, because I know it won’t help. But I have a sickening feeling in my stomach. A worry in the back of my mind that he will succumb to this dirty drug. Knowing that he is miserable and hallucinates and is depressed, he will take his own life to escape his demons. As I sit here and write, I cry at the thought that I will get a phone call telling me that he was found dead. I cry because if he died- I will be here on earth knowing that I missed out on the past year or more of his life because he was getting high. I will cry knowing that our last encounter was seeing my brother- a ravaged shell of a man. I will cry knowing that the drugs damaged his brain and made him a paranoid hateful vicious man. And I don’t want those being my last memories of him. 

But I don’t get to choose. 

Because there’s nothing I can do. 

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