Maybe one day I’ll find out

Carrie Bradshaw once wrote about the love between exes and what happens to that love once the relationship ends. She asked “Where does the love go?”. I could ask the same question about friendships that have ended. Where does the love go when you and one of your best girlfriends part ways?  

I’ve never really thought about it until now. For me I don’t have many close girlfriends. The ones I have, I trust and basically consider them as my sisters. But there was one, who I parted ways with years ago and a dream I had last night got me thinking, where did the love go? 

We had 10 years between us. She was blonde and I was a brunette. I’m pretty sure she disliked me at first because I was extremely laid back and I disliked her because she was Bossy Mc Bosserson. We worked together as hostesses at a restaurant and eventually our opposite personalities began to blend. As time went on, we sat together at lunch break, we began texting each other, we would go to bars and if she couldn’t get served I’d sneak her a drink. That’s of course if we didn’t get guys to just buy our drinks for us. We didn’t spend every waking minute together, but we had small adventures. I met her dad. We kept secrets for each other. We’d go to the shittiest beach at Lake Erie and soak up the sun and drink coronas. We laughed over conversations that we didn’t have with anyone else. But most of all, when I broke up with my boyfriend and had to move 45 minutes back home, she helped me pack. She even held on to my paintings that I couldn’t move home. She was there for me when no one else was. 

When I would visit my ex at a local bar (wait, why was I visiting that shitbag?) I would call her to come meet me, because I missed her. And right away she would come. Now granted, she didn’t drink as much as I would. But we would talk and point out hot guys, take selfies together- the norm. We would converse about her boyfriend or the people we used to work with. It was peachy, like how it always had been.  But then something changed. I wasn’t visiting as much and I wasn’t in contact with her anymore. Contact as in she unfriended me on social media and stopped returning my texts. And that’s when I got a sick feeling in my gut.

Something was up. She was my girl. Her and the other hostesses had just sent me a memory card. What the fuck was going on? Low and behold a girl we both worked with let me know that she had been coming into work talking about she had been meeting my ex for drinks. Like dates. Whoa. Hold the fuck on.  Seriously? Whether I was over him or not, isn’t there a sisterhood where you don’t start seeing your friends ex of 2 years? And telling him all the secrets I confided in you?! I had only been gone for a month and you cut me out of your life…. now I know my ex is a whore, but she knew all the horrible things he did to me. She was my friend… Was I really worth throwing away? 

I was angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. 

Of course I called them both out on what I was told. He made it out to be that she was seeking him out and vice versa. I lashed out at them. I threatened them. I was on fire. He had always told me he didn’t know how I could be friends with her and she always told me I could do better. But my heart was hurt. I wasn’t over him and I lost my friend. So here in lies my question, where did the love go? With him it was easy. The longer I stayed away from him, the more I saw who he really was. Our love was cremated and blew away with the wind. But what about her? While I might have been angry for the time being, deep inside, I missed her. Women connect on a sisterly bond. Inside jokes, secrets, sharing clothes, making sure each other is safe after they head home from a Greys Anatomy marathon. Where did our love go? 

It’s been 5 years since it happened and I still don’t know where it went. Granted 5 years went by and it wasn’t really a subject I thought about. But all it took was one little dream and it got me thinking. I’d like to think that the love never went away, it just got twisted. 

So I sit here writing… wondering… where did it go, because time has changed, we have changed, is it still deep down inside?  Or has it left us both forever. Maybe some day I’ll find out or maybe I’ll always be curious as to why women do this to each other. I don’t know. 

Until then…. 


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