Remember in the 90’s when Heroin chic was the look?
Kate Moss weighed 100 pounds at 5 foot 7. She was the waif.The 90’s version of the original Waif. Twiggy was actually the first original waif model. But anyhow, Kate was a beautiful girl. In every fashion magazine and on every runway. She dated infamous men like Johnny Depp, Pete Dougherty, and married the Kills musician Jamie Hince. Her rail thin body started the explosion of models that had no hips, breasts, or an ass. Shoulder bones poked out of couture and people either loved it or they hated it. I was a young teen when she became a huge controversial sensation. For me I never thought anything of it. Cindy Crawford was out and Kate Moss was in. I liked Kate. She looked like me. Skinny. Except I was 12. My chicken legs and knobby Knees were still an embarrassment, I didn’t have Kate’s wardrobe, I wasn’t in magazines, I wasn’t dating Johnny Depp, and I simply wasn’t Kate.
I don’t know why Kate was so thin. But I knew it was in my genetics to be skinny. As I got older I remained thin. By high school I was 5 foot 7 and 126 pounds with a C cup. I’m gonna toot my own horn and I say I had a bangin ass body. But I was usually covered up in hoodies and baggy jeans. I wasn’t about fashion. In the summer I wore “wife beaters” and plaid pants with wing tip shoes or doc martens. I never gave a second thought about my weight. Never.
Now- I’m 37 and I weigh 102 pounds. Six months ago I weighed 135. A perfect weight for my height. After not having worked for over a year, I had started working in a bakery full time. So little by little I started losing weight, from being on my feet for 9 hours without taking a break. As time progressed, winter had come along and that when I started getting flare ups with the worst chronic fatigue. I looked like someone who crawled out of a gutter. Dark circles under my eyes, just a tired look that no amount of make up could fix. So I started taking caffeine pills to keep my ass in gear at work. 1000mg a day and by the time I was home from work, (4pm) I would crash and sleep until my alarm went off for work the next day. I was miserable. I felt like a slow shell of a human being. I needed help. So I found a doctor who understood my dilemma. I have fibromyalgia- my flare ups exhaust me and set off chronic fatigue. After some blood work and a third visit he prescribed me Adderall. 15 mg x2 a day.
Before I continue- let me just put this out there- I’m not an uppers gal. I’ve always liked my downers. Alcohol, Xanax, Vicodin.
I held the script in my hand with a wave of shock going through my body. People kept telling me I should try adderall, now here I was with a script for it. I don’t have insurance, so my $70 bottle of pills was a “special only take when you really need them” bottle. The first one I took made me a Chatty Cathy. I did happen to be drinking a latte before and while I took it. My armpits got really sweaty, I wore a sweater so no one could see the grossness. I didn’t stink- I just kept sweating from my pits. (Which was the same thing that happened when I was on the birth control pill. Constantly reapplying deodorant or just changing my shirt -with and tank top underneath it all). After filling my script and taking one, I drove to visit my mom. It was her day off and we just sat and talked. And talked. I felt speedy- but not in a cocaine kind of way. Antsy. Anxious. I wished I had a Xanax to calm me down. Once I remembered I had one at home that I had been saving for an emergency- like dealing with a death or something on that level, I went home and took half of it. I thought maybe 15 mg was too much to start with. But a friend insisted I should take the entire amount and eventually the side effects would subside and I would be focused with the energy I need to work and come home without falling asleep. So I took her advice.
Some days I only took one. I was prescribed to take one when I woke up 5am and a second at noon. But some days I woke up feeling fine and would take the pill later. My appetite had started to decrease. I noticed- but I didn’t…. I was too busy trying To do a million things and be faster and make sure everything I did was impeccable. My manager and my coworkers noticed the happier fast paced me. My manager had even begun teaching me how to do new things because I had shown everyone that I didn’t let my fibro and chronic fatigue keep me down. Plus I was coming home and able to be awake to spend time with my family, watch TV, get shit done around the house, make soaps (I have an Etsy shop I sell soaps on). It was a fucking miracle drug. Look at how much better at life I was doing.
Of course life got easier to be physically active all day long. I had Amphetamines coursing through my brain. I knew this fact and a part of me just didn’t give a fuck. I’d never had so much energy. I still got 6-8 hours of sleep every night. so maybe my brain did need this.
That was the beginning of December 2017. My weight had been at a steady 125.
It’s now the middle of February 2018. My weight has plummeted to 102.
I hate leaving my apartment because every time i do, someone I run into that knows me looks at me with a gasp or a look of total shock. And some even ask why I’m sooooo thin. My dad asked if I had been eating- which has never been an issue for me. My brother and his fiancé always look at me in shock and tell me how thin I am. My mother told me I was as skinny as the woman who just died at the nursing home she works at…..
I own a fucking mirror. But thanks for reminding me. Feels great.
I lost my appetite sometime in late December. I ate. I trying to eat a full meal at work every day. 3 out 5 days was the usual. I drank lots and lots of water. But I let the adderall take over. I never abused it, but i knew I was losing weight because of it and I was so desperate to have the energy, I continued to take two a day.
Now I’m the Waif. I hate it. I feel awful about myself. I feel embarrassed to look like this. So I gave the bottle to my husband. I can’t weigh 102. I’m in dire need of nutrition. My hair won’t grow, feels like it’s thinning and I barely get a period. I can’t handle this drug. at least not the dose I was on. I didn’t educate myself on adderall or even think to make sure I eat even if I’m not hungry. I let myself get wrapped up in all the work I was trying to get done so I could be a woman that could do it all. But I wasn’t a woman who could do it all. I ignored my body and what it needed.
Now- some people had told me that losing weight for the first few weeks was normal but then you get your appetite back. It just wasn’t the case for for me. I’m an already high strung over thinker. Why can’t they make a Xanax/ Adderall combo drug for people like me? Lol. Probably because drugs aren’t always the answer. And I’m sure there’s already a chemist out there trying to come up with that combo that doesn’t kill you. (I’m looking at you Eli Lilly Corporation 😠).
It’s been a couple days since I started writing this ( my A.D.D. Has been kinda wacky with lots amount of sleeping) and it’s day 3. I haven’t taken any. I’m toughing it out. I’m honestly afraid if I take one-I’ll justify that it s ok to take another. Or that maybe my body will give out from lack of food and nutrients. Or I’ll just keep losing weight until I die of a massive stroke or heart attack. Don’t let me fool you- I want to take one first thing in the morning and start my day. I hate, HATE feeling so tired and sluggish. I hate taking a fucking hour just for my body to absorb strong tea and kinda get me awake. But I’m not giving myself any other options. I know I’m an addict of multiple things. It’s just in my bones to calcify what makes me feel good and keep adding to it.
Currently I’ve been eating more than I have in the past two months. I’ve started taking vitamins again, drinking lots of protein shakes and water, and I plan on restarting yoga this week to help increase my appetite and strength. I also plan on smoking weed to help with my appetite.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know someone else is out there dealing with what I’m dealing with. And to them I say – I’m here. You’re not alone.
For anyone who is considering using this drug, talk to your doctor. Do your research. Don’t abuse it. It can be helpful- but it can be dangerous. My doctor is not a crooked doctor. He is a wonderful man who genuinely cares about his patients. I lied to him about losing weight at my check up for the first month of trying adderall. I wore ankle weights under my boots. But I can’t do that to him again. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone who is trying to help you, not kill you. I know for a fact if he saw me now, I’d never see an adderall script from him again. He trusts me. The least I can do is gain my weight back and be honest with him. Even tho there’s a voice in the back of my mind saying “just gain some weight so you can get more scripts”- I acknowledge that’s my inner addict, who will probably always be there. I just have to live ignoring it until it disappears.
Thanks for reading guys xo- B
* the images of Kate Moss used were found on google search images. I have not altered them and I used them to represent what my body looks like by comparison to someone of my height and weight.