It’s time for a realness in my blog. Early 2017 I was trying to show through pictures of food and drinks that I was some kind of Donna Reed- that threw in info about my past drug use now and … Continue reading
Shopping at Acme yesterday I was in dire need of coffee pods. I grabbed Wide Awake Coffee Co. Breakfast Blend (the lighter the roast, the stronger the coffee! Or at least that’s what I learned when I spent some time … Continue reading
Strawberry Lemon Rose water! I love drinking something pretty and healthy. So today I’m sharing a simple recipe that will make drinking water feel fancy. Make for it when you have guests coming over or make it because drinking plain … Continue reading
Carrie Bradshaw once wrote about the love between exes and what happens to that love once the relationship ends. She asked “Where does the love go?”. I could ask the same question about friendships that have ended. Where does the … Continue reading
I have a quirk. I mean, I would assume that most people would think it’s odd. For me it’s completely normal. I read 2 to 5 books at a time. And sometimes I read while I watch TV. How? I … Continue reading
I fucking hate having my period. HATE it. Granted I don’t know too many women that have ever said “I love that time of the month. All the bleeding and cramping, makes me feel alive with the universe” and the … Continue reading
I’m currently reading the book. I just watched the finale of the 7 episode mini-series. I bought the soundtrack. Yes the book is good. Yes the show was amazing. But the soundtrack… the soundtrack is one of those rare musical … Continue reading
My sleep is all fucked up. This seems to be common for me when I’m going through episodes of severe pain. And today I was dealing with horrendous back pain. I blame my furnace breaking right before sweet Akron Ohio … Continue reading
There’s a wild beast inside me that I’m trying to lay to rest. It misses the days of excessive drinking and pill popping and lines of Coke off bathroom counters. It’s trying to make me believe that I had wonderful times, I was the belle of the ball, and my hair looked lucious and shiny. I can feel the beast coursing through my veins making my body itch- giving me a terrible urge to scratch my porcelain skin until I free it from within. My hair was never shiny and I was no belle at any bar. But titos on the rocks with a lemon was so good. Face cringingly good. And all the Xanax and all the Vicodin, I can picture my hand throwing the blue and white poison into my mouth. Swallow it all down with the beer I’m drinking with the titos. Talk to a few random strangers – that aren’t really strangers because I’ve seen them out at a bar or somewhere before. And one of them knows someone I know, somehow. So when I’m invited into the unisex bathroom to blow a line up my nose to wake up – I go happily. Trying to figure out how many more drinks I’ll have to pay for myself for the rest of the night.
And then I think, “i read somewhere that every time you black out it’s a sign of your brain being flooded with alcohol. And the more you black out, the closer you are to never waking up again..”
My hand sits on my collar bone and I feel alone and scared. The beast is gone. That thought was the equivalent to hitting the beast over the head with a shovel.
I hate it when the beast comes around. And I hate what I have to think about to make it go away.
Ahh. Sober life.
Mom was on Vicodin. Well, mom was also on xanax. For 11 years. I wrote about being on xanax in my last post- and I brought it up because, while I struggle with pain and pain killers- I also struggled … Continue reading