My sleep is all fucked up. This seems to be common for me when I’m going through episodes of severe pain. And today I was dealing with horrendous back pain. I blame my furnace breaking right before sweet Akron Ohio … Continue reading
I never hear from or see my youngest brother anymore. It’s been like that for the past year give or take. Until this past Tuesday. I saw him when I came to his house to pick up his two little … Continue reading
There’s a wild beast inside me that I’m trying to lay to rest. It misses the days of excessive drinking and pill popping and lines of Coke off bathroom counters. It’s trying to make me believe that I had wonderful times, I was the belle of the ball, and my hair looked lucious and shiny. I can feel the beast coursing through my veins making my body itch- giving me a terrible urge to scratch my porcelain skin until I free it from within. My hair was never shiny and I was no belle at any bar. But titos on the rocks with a lemon was so good. Face cringingly good. And all the Xanax and all the Vicodin, I can picture my hand throwing the blue and white poison into my mouth. Swallow it all down with the beer I’m drinking with the titos. Talk to a few random strangers – that aren’t really strangers because I’ve seen them out at a bar or somewhere before. And one of them knows someone I know, somehow. So when I’m invited into the unisex bathroom to blow a line up my nose to wake up – I go happily. Trying to figure out how many more drinks I’ll have to pay for myself for the rest of the night.
And then I think, “i read somewhere that every time you black out it’s a sign of your brain being flooded with alcohol. And the more you black out, the closer you are to never waking up again..”
My hand sits on my collar bone and I feel alone and scared. The beast is gone. That thought was the equivalent to hitting the beast over the head with a shovel.
I hate it when the beast comes around. And I hate what I have to think about to make it go away.
Ahh. Sober life.
“In biology, poisons are substances that cause disturbances in organisms, usually by chemical reaction or other activity on the molecular scale, when an organism absorbs a sufficient quantity.” I’ve taken my fair share of drugs. I’m not referring to the … Continue reading
Mom was on Vicodin. Well, mom was also on xanax. For 11 years. I wrote about being on xanax in my last post- and I brought it up because, while I struggle with pain and pain killers- I also struggled … Continue reading
It’s been awhile since I’ve taken any Vicodin. At my last pain management appointment I simply told the nurse practioner (when she asked if I needed my norco refilled), “if it’s around, I’m going to take it. Why take Tylenol when … Continue reading
Liked the idea of tricking your children into eating healthy? Me too. It’s why I do it all the time. I don’t lie to them about what they’re eating, but I do leave out pieces of the title of the … Continue reading
Originally posted on The Whole Earth Tilted and I Lost my Reason:
A positive mental outlook is essential. I’ve needed some reminders lately and I thought I’d share them! 💛? ??? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ??…
I can’t clearly remember what I posted 7 days ago. My memory is absent. Frighteningly absent. I haven’t been able to stand up and do anything for more than 30 minutes since Sunday. Once those 30 minutes have caught up … Continue reading
I failed. I failed the first “I feel so good I must be shedding the fibromyalgia” test. Here I was, all happy and going about my days like the fibro had finally started to leave my body. I’ve been eating … Continue reading