Remember in the 90’s when Heroin chic was the look? Kate Moss weighed 100 pounds at 5 foot 7. She was the waif.The 90’s version of the original Waif. Twiggy was actually the first original waif model. But anyhow, Kate … Continue reading
I’ve learned from reading Pema Chödrön that the past is gone. It can’t come back. It can live like ghosts in our minds if we let it. My mind has been haunted as far back as I can remember. If … Continue reading
It’s time for a realness in my blog. Early 2017 I was trying to show through pictures of food and drinks that I was some kind of Donna Reed- that threw in info about my past drug use now and … Continue reading
Carrie Bradshaw once wrote about the love between exes and what happens to that love once the relationship ends. She asked “Where does the love go?”. I could ask the same question about friendships that have ended. Where does the … Continue reading
I have a quirk. I mean, I would assume that most people would think it’s odd. For me it’s completely normal. I read 2 to 5 books at a time. And sometimes I read while I watch TV. How? I … Continue reading
I never hear from or see my youngest brother anymore. It’s been like that for the past year give or take. Until this past Tuesday. I saw him when I came to his house to pick up his two little … Continue reading
There’s a wild beast inside me that I’m trying to lay to rest. It misses the days of excessive drinking and pill popping and lines of Coke off bathroom counters. It’s trying to make me believe that I had wonderful times, I was the belle of the ball, and my hair looked lucious and shiny. I can feel the beast coursing through my veins making my body itch- giving me a terrible urge to scratch my porcelain skin until I free it from within. My hair was never shiny and I was no belle at any bar. But titos on the rocks with a lemon was so good. Face cringingly good. And all the Xanax and all the Vicodin, I can picture my hand throwing the blue and white poison into my mouth. Swallow it all down with the beer I’m drinking with the titos. Talk to a few random strangers – that aren’t really strangers because I’ve seen them out at a bar or somewhere before. And one of them knows someone I know, somehow. So when I’m invited into the unisex bathroom to blow a line up my nose to wake up – I go happily. Trying to figure out how many more drinks I’ll have to pay for myself for the rest of the night.
And then I think, “i read somewhere that every time you black out it’s a sign of your brain being flooded with alcohol. And the more you black out, the closer you are to never waking up again..”
My hand sits on my collar bone and I feel alone and scared. The beast is gone. That thought was the equivalent to hitting the beast over the head with a shovel.
I hate it when the beast comes around. And I hate what I have to think about to make it go away.
Ahh. Sober life.
“In biology, poisons are substances that cause disturbances in organisms, usually by chemical reaction or other activity on the molecular scale, when an organism absorbs a sufficient quantity.” I’ve taken my fair share of drugs. I’m not referring to the … Continue reading
I had a refill visit this past week.
Now, aside from the fact that the nurse practioner who saw me had no idea that I have fibromyalgia and when she suggested that I’m like a group of other people who are seen with the same issues and that I probably have fibromyalgia, she said to me- “I’ll refill your scripts, but you’re going to have to learn to live with this”.
My eyeballs rolled back so far, I saw my frontal lobe.
Who the fuck wants to accept to just live in pain or extreme fatigue??
I sure as fuck don’t.
While I understand that doctors and nurses are only human, that they can only do so much- please don’t tell me that I have to learn to live with it. It’s condescending and lazy. I’m also very stubborn and don’t feel like getting used to it.
When I got home from the appointment, I immediately grabbed my iPad and jumped on Pinterest. (Total Pinterest addict). I was thinking about different approaches to deal with with the pain and fatigue. Yoga? Walking? Essential oils? Drink concoctions? Rare herbs? Pet therapy? Cut out gluten? Vitamin shots? And on and on.
After a much enjoyed time of searching, reading, and pinning, I decided to start with what I put in my body. I’ve been so quick to just rely on pills that the doctors give me, that it never occurred to me that my body wasn’t designed to function properly on muscle relaxers, pain killers, anti-inflammatories, nausea relief, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, lyrica, and anything else they thought I should try.
Now, some of those do come in handy. But for the most part I feel like my brain is slowly disintegrating because of all the chemicals altering it. Instead, I’ve decided to try a more “natural” approach. By natural I mean, I’m still going to take Vicodin and muscle relaxers when or if I need them. Everything else is on a temporary hiatus until I decide otherwise.
Now that I covered the pill part, I haven’t had any alcohol in 5 weeks, (another idea for getting my body back), I can move on to the type of nutrition my body needs to survive and repair itself.
So it’s back to Pinterest to begin learning what foods I can benefit from. And then start eating them. I’ll be sure to share a few recipes on here!
I’m not too young.
I’m thirty-fucking-five. I have two kids in middle school. I’ve been driving a car for 20 years. I am responsible for paying bills, like utilities, rent, my jeep payment… If i fuck up big time there’s no one to cover for me or pay my bills or hold my hand.
Does any of that sound like any life other than that of a grown adult?
So why is it every doctor I see says to me, “you’re only thirty five. What are you going to do when you’re sixty?”
All I can do is look back and reply, “I don’t know. Maybe science will have an answer and a solution by the time I’m sixty. Or maybe Midwest doctors won’t be so clueless about an illness that is diagnosed 3 million times a year. But in the mean time, could you forget about my age and concentrate on why the fuck I’m in so much pain for no god damn reason?!”
No doctor can tell me why I feel this way. They can’t explain the pain- where it comes from and why. They can’t tell me why I have days of exhaustion. The only message I get from any doctor is: you’re quality of life doesn’t matter.
While no doctor has ever uttered those heinous words, they have said by the way I am treated. If I’m not being given prescription after prescription of pills, I’m given nothing more than statements like “you’re only thirty five” and “you’re just too young to have this”.
I just love hearing that last comment- you’re just too young to have this. Really? Cause my body doesn’t think I’m too young. Did your training in medical school teach you all about the age that it becomes acceptable to have a chronic illness? Did you learn that there is a certain age for treating individuals?
I didn’t think so.
My name is Brooklin, I have fibromyalgia, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, ptsd.
This is my place, where I am beginning a journey to get better (I hope). Rants, raves, recipes, hope, ideas, thoughts, and anything else that helps me get through my day, will have a home here.