I never hear from or see my youngest brother anymore. It’s been like that for the past year give or take. Until this past Tuesday. I saw him when I came to his house to pick up his two little … Continue reading
There’s a wild beast inside me that I’m trying to lay to rest. It misses the days of excessive drinking and pill popping and lines of Coke off bathroom counters. It’s trying to make me believe that I had wonderful times, I was the belle of the ball, and my hair looked lucious and shiny. I can feel the beast coursing through my veins making my body itch- giving me a terrible urge to scratch my porcelain skin until I free it from within. My hair was never shiny and I was no belle at any bar. But titos on the rocks with a lemon was so good. Face cringingly good. And all the Xanax and all the Vicodin, I can picture my hand throwing the blue and white poison into my mouth. Swallow it all down with the beer I’m drinking with the titos. Talk to a few random strangers – that aren’t really strangers because I’ve seen them out at a bar or somewhere before. And one of them knows someone I know, somehow. So when I’m invited into the unisex bathroom to blow a line up my nose to wake up – I go happily. Trying to figure out how many more drinks I’ll have to pay for myself for the rest of the night.
And then I think, “i read somewhere that every time you black out it’s a sign of your brain being flooded with alcohol. And the more you black out, the closer you are to never waking up again..”
My hand sits on my collar bone and I feel alone and scared. The beast is gone. That thought was the equivalent to hitting the beast over the head with a shovel.
I hate it when the beast comes around. And I hate what I have to think about to make it go away.
Ahh. Sober life.
“In biology, poisons are substances that cause disturbances in organisms, usually by chemical reaction or other activity on the molecular scale, when an organism absorbs a sufficient quantity.” I’ve taken my fair share of drugs. I’m not referring to the … Continue reading
I had a refill visit this past week.
Now, aside from the fact that the nurse practioner who saw me had no idea that I have fibromyalgia and when she suggested that I’m like a group of other people who are seen with the same issues and that I probably have fibromyalgia, she said to me- “I’ll refill your scripts, but you’re going to have to learn to live with this”.
My eyeballs rolled back so far, I saw my frontal lobe.
Who the fuck wants to accept to just live in pain or extreme fatigue??
I sure as fuck don’t.
While I understand that doctors and nurses are only human, that they can only do so much- please don’t tell me that I have to learn to live with it. It’s condescending and lazy. I’m also very stubborn and don’t feel like getting used to it.
When I got home from the appointment, I immediately grabbed my iPad and jumped on Pinterest. (Total Pinterest addict). I was thinking about different approaches to deal with with the pain and fatigue. Yoga? Walking? Essential oils? Drink concoctions? Rare herbs? Pet therapy? Cut out gluten? Vitamin shots? And on and on.
After a much enjoyed time of searching, reading, and pinning, I decided to start with what I put in my body. I’ve been so quick to just rely on pills that the doctors give me, that it never occurred to me that my body wasn’t designed to function properly on muscle relaxers, pain killers, anti-inflammatories, nausea relief, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, lyrica, and anything else they thought I should try.
Now, some of those do come in handy. But for the most part I feel like my brain is slowly disintegrating because of all the chemicals altering it. Instead, I’ve decided to try a more “natural” approach. By natural I mean, I’m still going to take Vicodin and muscle relaxers when or if I need them. Everything else is on a temporary hiatus until I decide otherwise.
Now that I covered the pill part, I haven’t had any alcohol in 5 weeks, (another idea for getting my body back), I can move on to the type of nutrition my body needs to survive and repair itself.
So it’s back to Pinterest to begin learning what foods I can benefit from. And then start eating them. I’ll be sure to share a few recipes on here!